Tuesday, March 22, 2016

The Past, the Present and the Future

What, you again? 

I recently realised that I rarely talk about the past. My past, I mean. It's always the now or tomorrow, six weeks from now, seven months from now, in five years time.. but never eight years ago. I can go back a year or two, I can even say "in Upper Secondary School" but there are times of my life (long stretches of time) that I just don't speak of. Part of me thinks it's because I don't like looking back on the hard and the unfair. I don't like thinking of times when I was hurting and felt like there was no one and no where for me in this world. Those times, though probably a part of every kid's life, were hard for me and I found myself at the bottom of the cold, dark, lonely pit with no friends to speak of. I was a somewhat lonely and very angry teenager. Not angry at anything specific, just angry. At the world, at humanity, at the cruelty of humankind and my fellow students. I had decided that I didn't need friends. In fact, I had decided that I needed no one so long as I reached my goals and got to where I wanted to be. Obviously, that was not the healthiest choice of my life nor was it the smartest. And it didn't stick.

Today I am a very different person though somewhat a sum of what I have been through. Trust does not come easily to me but my love of the written word has helped me on my way to becoming a real adult. Somewhat real, anyway! I kind of feel like a child pretending to be an adult. I pay the bills and work hard for everything I want. I have to make those tough choices on what I can and cannot afford.. But I still feel like a fraud! I find myself sitting in my apartment wondering if a real adult would be making this choice to buy this book at this very moment. And then I realise that I shouldn't be wondering such things considering that I live on my own now and it's my money to spend the way I see fit. But then I do the same whenever I don't feel like cooking or eating vegetables; Would a real, proper adult think this way? No! Adjusting to my new life situation, needless to say, is kind of difficult for me.. but I intend to flourish regardless of that. Currently, I am spending a lot of my time studying different kinds of features of the English languages from the grammatical to the linguistic as well as reading literature from different eras attempting to understand the context and the meaning of said literature. This might all sound trivial or silly to you but I quite enjoy all of it.

In the (not so distant) future I hope to excel in an interview so that I will be allowed to study pedagogy and one day be allowed to teach. I worry about my future, just like anyone else. Will I be happy? Will I do the things I always wanted to do? Will I ever stop feeling like a fraud when it comes to adulthood? Will I have a family? Will I be a good teacher? Will I be a teacher at all!? And these questions, I know, have no answers that I could grasp in my moments today as I cannot see the future. But perhaps one day, I will be able to look back on my worries of today and smile at how silly they were.

Anyway.. Have a pleasant week,
Stella

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