Sunday, November 22, 2015

Sleepless in..

Slightly surprised you've still the want to read any of this, traveler; Welcome back.

Sleepless in wherever the hell I am. The past month or so, I've been sleeping rather poorly (if at all). This is just one of the many nights I've woken up from a nightmare or a disturbing dream to either my own screams or the jolt of my brain going, "this isn't real, wake up." Waking up isn't the problem, not really.. The problem is that I can't stop thinking of the dream or being terrified. I can't stop thinking. Whatever it was that I dreamed flashes as pictures on my closed lids, and so I open my eyes to the darkness that surrounds me. And I don't know which is worse: Reliving the nightmare or staring blankly into the silence of the night, knowing there is no one I can wake up who would listen to a grown woman panicking over virtually nothing.

I've started avoiding going to sleep, and pretending to others that I am headed to bed so that I won't worry them. Logically, I know this is a bad course of action but I really have no other way out right now. I know it's all in my head. It's almost like it was when I was a kid; There are no monsters in the darkness barring those my imagination has created for me to see and to hear. Before you ask, yes, I've created a routine, a calming one. No, I don't drink tea or coffee or anything else that could possibly ruin my sleep for up to eight hours before going to bed. Yes, I make sure to have eaten but not too close to when I intend to go to bed. And yes, if I feel sleepy, I do head to bed and tend to fall asleep at that point but that doesn't guarantee a full night. I'm at my wits end.

When I do sleep a full night, I don't feel rested. I don't know why that is or what the logical explanation for it is. It could be me catching up on weeks of lack of sleep, or it could be poor quality of sleep. Gods if I know. I wake up feeling worse than I felt when I closed my eyes: Stiff, unrested, and with a headache. And most recently people have started noticing, and commenting on the fact that I don't look good. I'm pale. There are bags underneath my eyes. My eyes are red. I react emotionally to things that don't warrant an emotional reaction.

Anyway, I figured I'd just write since I've been lying up and not asleep for the past hour or so.. Hope you're sleeping better than I am!
Stella

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