Sunday, September 27, 2015

Strength

Ahoy, traveler, back so soon?

I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through. Yes, that is a quote from "Leaving Out All the Rest" by Linkin Park. No, it's not there for no reason. It's there because that's the bit in the song that I relate to strongly. I spend a lot of time pretending to be stronger than I am but in truth, I'm not really strong. Not in the middle, not in my heart, my soul. It's just this surface, a facade, that I'm showing to people around me so they wouldn't worry about me or know that they've hurt me. "I'm strong" is what I tell myself every day when I put on my mask, you know, the one I intend to let others see. This woman, who I show to the world, is happy. She's smart. She's witty. She's fun to be around. She engages in conversations and smiles to people. She does stupid things and doesn't seem the least bit embarrassed. But the girl inside is anything but. She kicks herself for each stupid thing she does. She doubts her wits, her intelligence. She wants to run away from each conversation and hide in a corner somewhere, crying. She can't be the woman outside with the smoke and mirrors but she, too, can be strong for other people.

The one who survives by making the lives of others worthwhile. That's from the beginning of Vienna Teng's "The Tower", which then later goes on to say "She carries the act so convincingly the fact is sometimes she believes it". Sometimes the weak girl inside believes she is the strong woman outside, but then the illusion shatters. She's not that woman. She's not her own friend, but she's strong for those around her. She'll stand tall like a tower. A strong, lonely tower. And she'll be there for whoever needs her so that everyone else can be happy. But sometimes she, too, needs someone to lean on and there's no one there. She can't let go of the act that she wishes was a fact. And even as the tears run down her face, she won't admit to not being okay. She has a need to not to need anyone, but just like any other human on this Earth, she needs someone. She needs understanding but she's afraid to turn to those closest to her for what she needs because she's afraid they'll turn her down and walk away. Like so many have done before.

There's not much to this, really, it's just something that came to mind. These are the weird thoughts that sometimes plague my head and that drive me to listen to music with a sad message (I didn't loop 17 songs with similarish messages on Wednesday and Thursday night. No, sir, no) and maybe this is a bit of a take on some of the feelings that have been going on in me recently. Sometimes, I just need to write and reflect without even an ounce of pretense that I'm writing of an imaginary character. Sincerely hope this didn't offend or get on anyone's nerves or anything. If it did, I'm sorry.

Hope you'll have a lovely week,
Stella

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