Friday, September 25, 2015

Inconsistency, Silence and Sharing?

Welcome back, traveler

Apparently, I'm a very inconsistent person. Or so I'm told. The accusations of inconsistency often creep up on me when I'm forced to cancel on someone due to personal (read; Work or sickness) or family reasons, and when I make plans to see people miles and miles away that are relatively costly but won't do the same for someone who I'm not as close with or don't trust as much as the person I'm going to see. I've always known that I have a very inconsistent routine and that I see my friends inconsistently - Those are things that shouldn't surprise anyone who knows me - but the first time I heard someone call out my inconsistency when it came to meeting people in general was a bit of a shock to me. They felt they could not depend on me to do things in a certain way because I'd chosen to go see someone over them - I felt slightly offended and surprised, but proceeded to explain to them that I was being financially aided by my family to get to go see them because my family knew this person, and reminded them of the times I'd told them how important this other person was to me. Those times had been numerous, I'd probably spoken more of this person than I had of anyone else in my life to the person, who'd called out my "inconsistency". I'd known the person I was going to see on and off for multiple years and the one I was talking with for under a year. But after a while I stopped attempting to explain my choice and just proceeded to pretend to agree with them - They wouldn't ever in a million years understand, not in the state of mind they were in anyway.

Being silent and only saying what needs to be said is normal to me. But apparently this too gets on some people's nerves - I'm either too quiet or not quiet enough when I thought what I was doing was listening and responding accordingly! (Silly me!) It irritates them that I don't necessarily feel like some subjects are worth a lengthy discussion or don't think I am the right person to be talking to about certain things. I'll listen to them, certainly, but I won't necessarily say anything beyond noises that indicate that I am in fact listening or asking questions when I don't understand. But even these well-intentioned questions get on people's nerves - It's almost like I am expected to fully understand what they're saying from three words, feel what they're feeling or to read their mind which is not a skill I have. Unrealistic expectations if you ask me, but typically I'm not asked. Often when I express an opinion on a subject or ask one of those questions, I'm blatantly told by one of my companions that I was not asked - Clear indication that they'd prefer for me to keep my mouth shut and just listen. What's a girl supposed to do?

I'm not very good at sharing what I'm feeling and thinking. In fact, I avoid it at almost any cost - Those nearest to me have seen me go into great lengths to keep them out of it and to keep up a facade of well-being. Some see past the surface and know something isn't right, others will never know. Last time I went into a serious mode of avoidance because of something bad that had happened, I worked harder than I'd ever worked and barely ate. And just like everyone else, I say stupid things when I'm feeling bad - Things I don't mean but say to keep others at an arm's length. In fact, I'd mostly prefer to deal with what's wrong on my own - Not as a show of strength or pride, but because I don't want to bother others with things they can do nothing about. I even burst out in tears this week and as concerned friends asked me what was wrong, I insisted that I was okay when clearly I wasn't. Instead of sharing, I went home, had some tea, talked with someone about everything unrelated and once they left, cleaned my kitchen and wrote 2 essays.. Sharing definitely isn't my strongest point.

Apologies for the long stop, hope you didn't get nauseous when the crazy train got back on track!

Stella

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