Friday, June 5, 2015

Apparently hair is really important to me

How are you still here..? Well, nevermind that!

I've always had this thing with my hair. I don't like people touching it and I want it to look nice - Even if nothing else in me says I made an effort, my hair will. To be honest, it's probably because I don't like my face and I'm extremely uncomfortable in my own body - I was bullied a lot about both when I was younger. I was too skinny, walked funny, my face was oddly shaped, I had a nose that was too big and eyes/mouth that were too small, my skin too pale and too dark all at once.. But I don't think I ever got a bad word on my hair - Not even when I thought it was kind of greenish. I've dyed it twice - Once blonde and then back to my original color. And I've cut it short and let it grow back a dozen times. No matter the length or color, I'd always be kind of irritated at it - It didn't (still doesn't) do what I told it to do, not even with strong hairspray! If I wanted curls, they had to be water curls. If I wanted perfectly straight, it had to be done straight after shower or they'd start to kind of curl while still staying kind of straight. But I like it none-the-less. It's my hair.

Having said that, the one time it wasn't cut exactly the way I like it.. I cried. I'm not ashamed to say that I did. I felt and looked stupid in my mind. I didn't like looking into the mirror because I felt it brought out the odd shape of my face more than was needed. I wasn't happy and I avoided looking at it by braiding all or half of it back every day before school and then sometimes letting it down on pretty curls that hid what I felt was an error, an unforgivable flaw in how my hair was.

However, before today I hadn't realized how deep the problem went. I'm heading to a con tomorrow with my sister and couple of her friends and I tried on the purple wig again today. I'd intended to wear it but now I'm not so sure. I think my sister's cut the front of it somehow funny and I no longer like the way it looks on me. I literally burst in tears and half of me doesn't want to wear it, not even after a sort of solution my mother found. I know it's not because the wig looks funny but because I think I look funny with it, that it somehow makes my skin look greener and my face wider. Another part of me doesn't want to go to the con now, because it doesn't want to wear the wig but also doesn't want to go into a con without a cosplay.

I guess the bottom line is that I'm not so sure if that experiment on self-confidence is really doing anything after this experience. I haven't been nearly as judgemental towards myself since I started it but apparently that doesn't yet extend to things I'm uncomfortable doing or doing for the first time.

Have a good weekend, and I'll see you at the next stop


EDIT: I guess it could just be the lack of sleep and the headache I'm having?

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