Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Self-Confidence Experiment

Still here? I'm shocked!

Earlier this month
, I came to think about my self-confidence and the way I think about myself. In the process I realized that I am my worst enemy - I beat myself up for every single mistake I make, every time it takes me longer than I've deemed appropriate to learn something and every flaw in both my nature and my looks. It's rather silly really, since others have been telling me that I look nice, learn quickly and though, I can sometimes be irritating, I'm typically kind. This made me think that perhaps it's time I build up confidence in myself and my capabilities!

This may sound stupid, but I've started to do this thing where I stop in front of the mirror and tell my reflection good qualities it has and hence I have. It feels stupid in the moment, but I can sort of see the change in the things I say. I started with things like "I can write" - Not meaning anything beyond actual capability to read and write - and today I said my first "I'm good at"-sentence. Finding information was my pick. Yesterday, I managed "I have beautiful eyes", which is the first time since I was 9 years old I've managed to call a part of my looks beautiful or pretty.

You must understand that it doesn't have anything to do with others not telling me these things but rather with my incapability to believe them when they've been directed at me. It has been impossible for me to see and think that I could possibly have good qualities. I was good at faking confidence in front of other people, and it's precious few who ever noticed that this wasn't the way things truly were.

I intend to continue with this experiment and see if it truly builds up actual, real life confidence in me or just the kind I can present myself with while in front of a mirror but not while out and about.

Have a fun ride, and I hope to see you at the next stop,


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